The ABCs of Human-Relations!

 

The ABCs of Human-Relations!

The ABC of managing human relations is about understanding where controversy is likely to arise and how best to control it. Let us start with A-Activity; whenever you are around another person it is most likely your primary engagement will be around an activity - whether you are standing at the bus-stop waiting for a matatu, doing house chores or working in the office on an assignment. The activity will most likely govern the nature and length of the relation. The trick, if you like, is to focus on the activity and not worry too much about the other person unless the activity is not going as planned, then you can discuss the activity and usually relations can continue without a hitch. Level A does NOT require much emotional investment to be performed with excellence. Nonetheless, with a select number of people like your teammates, partner and office colleagues with whom you associate in close and repeated activities level B-Being is often engaged.  Again the majic here is to understand that personhood, personality and preference has subtle, covert impact on interpersonal relations and requires a consious measure of self-awareness AND repect of anothers other-awareness competence.  At level B the balance is knowing who you are, what you like, when you like it and how you like it done with RESPECT to another person who has their own line of preferences, priorities and pursuits. Understanding that the other persons’ preferences may not always align with yours is a homing point of maturity. But creating an understanding about routines and roles in common activities or assignment giving preference to peoples strengths, interests and negotiated roles can multiply group participation, productivity, performance and enhance peaceful relations.

Then there is C-Complementarity. I use the long word to help you pause at this point! Because, while the line between A & B is close, C is a quantum leap. in another closeted space of interpersonal relations. C is a choice and should as far as is practical (is not always so) be a pre-meditated choice. It is the type of relation that is structured around expectations like business contract, marriage, professional teamwork or substantive partnership usually between willing parties. But being willing is not always enough to manage the peaceable relations, because these kind of relations require much more than comfortable co-existence. There are commitments and obligations to be followed through (happily or unhappily). The success key to C is submission to the other. In other words, in line with the agreement one willingly surrenders the power of unilateral action with regards to the commitment. Complementarity exponentially accelerates the benefits of the commitment to all parteis. This means studying others and complimenting their actions with further actions that align to common goals and agreements of the commitment. Do not enter into any contract if you are not willing to submit yourself to it. Let me pause and allow you to think about the possible positive outcomes of complimentarity in relations…

... before I tell you about the existence of D and E which I deliberately did tell you existed at the beginning. Most people (me included) do not (want) to enter relations contemplating D or E outcomes.  Relations sometimes come into D-Difficulties in a complex mix of activities, preferences, intentions, obligations, expectations and entangled commitment. One might say that such relations are headed south. Not neccesarily, but in that case they can be repaired if interested parties are willing, able and committed to working through the ABCs of managing the relations of the day or the hour. No relationship remains on a continuous high that could be achieved with a doping component, imbibing copius excessive amounts of alchohol or other self imparing or numbing substances. However, mending D-relations can take time and effort that is why it is possible to arrive at chronic or irreconcilable differences. At such a point in relations it may be wise to enact the E-exit clause.  In contractual obligations, shrewed businessmen wisely include this clause even though they are the best of friends. They realize that an exit, (sometimes not a nice option) may be caused and required by circumstances in or beyond their control. Relations form, reform, grow and change. In some cases, where irreconcilable differences prevail or are endured for sustained a period and may be injurious to one or other, it may be prudent to consider preserving the long term value, safety, health and happiness of the relations. In such depths it may be wise for either or both parties to exit such relations in order to survive and live to fight another day. Indeed, there are things that cannot be forced like love, culture, heritage or biological DNA. Anyway, at some point, anyone deserves a holiday. The ABCDE model may find use in counselling, negotiations and generally managing interpersonal relations by keeping relational boundaries marked, complexities well appreciated and personal territories respected in all spaces of human engagement and interaction.

Allan Bukusi