How to Oun Better Relationships!

 

Oun Better Relationships!

The general nature of human relationships is that they, evolve, mature and eventually dissolve at some stage. This relationship cycle need not be consciously undertaken, though time and circumstance has a major hand in the unfolding of interpersonal relations. Some are for a time others are for a circumstance while others are mix of both. While many people would call for “commitment” as a basis for enduring relationships, there are those in which a mutually beneficial transaction is sufficient. However, relationships need not be managed in the sense that each party gets and gives what they want from it in turn. While this may be an unstated expectation, therein lies the danger of degeneration of the quality of the relationship. Indeed, toxic relationships are often based on unqualified assumptions and unquantified expectations of one or both parties. It is only at this late stage of disintegrating relations   that emotional intelligence and social maturity of the engaged individuals are brought into question and critically explored. But it was not so in the beginning and perhaps may not have been needed. Three agreed upon things could help protect valued relationships and help us all enjoy and OUN better relationships without making them an inflexible bureaucratic process.

Objectives: While it may be considered odd at the beginning of a social relationship to find out, “what are the objectives of this association?”, this is quite natural when considering employment. No employee would step into a job without considering whether they are ready to commit to the job objectives. Nonetheless, I dare say that after a short period of emotional dating, it is prudent to establish the objectives of the budding relationship before continuing the engagement. This little, insightful, seemingly insignificant detail allows both parties to OUN the vision of the relationship and steer in that direction.

Understanding; We are all different people with different upbringing, backgrounds, careers and expectations. It is possible that we may see some things from the same perspective. But there is likely to be so much more that we don’t see from the same frame in the theatre of life. It is therefore prudent to prod further to clarify understanding with questions similar to; “what is your understanding of love, what are your expectations of my performance, what are the expected outcomes in this matter and what are the underlying assumptions of the following critical aspects of this relationship? what are we agreed on and what areas do we differ? how do we want to address the whatever it is that is critical to the success of this relationship? This nature of questioning and interrogation is not punitive, rather it is protective of the evolution and maturity of the relationship for the length of its existence. Determining and establishing a common understanding of the relationship at the beginning of a relationship can forestall future disaster. Nonetheless, a common understanding can also be carried by the more mature partner in the relationship in the interest of the other over period of association. This happens in the case of a parental relationship with a child. However, this does NOT excuse BOTH parties from developing the emotional and social intelligence required for long term association. The child must grow up to associate and relate with their parent as a mature individual in their OUN right. 

Nature: The nature of a relationship can be meaningfully contained and defined by time, circumstance, context and social obligation. Some are short term, others long term, others social others official, some are emotional, others are intellectual or academic. Every relationship has an authorized space of operation.  Let us say it is wise and probably more safe than otherwise to contain your relationships in the social spaces in which they are created to exist. For example, it may not be wise to bring up a family matter as a point of discussion in the office during a business meeting. Though there is overlap of relationship spaces, they need to be protected and kept apart in order to secure every other relationship. Understanding the nature of a business relationship will help parties ensure it does not deteriorate into a personal vendetta or emotional crisis that cannot be resolved in the business context. Understanding the nature of a relationship allows one to be respectful, protective and preservative of the ethical boundaries for the relationship to succeed. Understanding the nature of a relationship allows all parties to OUN and manage the relationship to ensure it remains valued and valuable for the term of the existence or while the relationship lasts.

For the most part, relationships are natural function of human existence and cover all aspects of human interaction and engagements starting from childhood, upbringing within/without family, friendships, employment, enterprise, courtship, business associations, and all angles and levels of community and societal intercourse. Such relationships could be personal, private or public.  We don’t always think about it until and crisis occurs, but in all relationships there are instances where the nature of the relationship could benefit from the prefabricated OUN structure of association to frame and protect its development, interaction, risk of exposure and guard the vulnerability, security and even abuse of not only the relationship, but all the stakeholder individuals engaged in the relationship process. If you are already in a relationship that does not seem to be taking any particular direction, this may just be an ideal opportunity for a discussion to take ownership of your future!

Allan Bukusi