Of the many books walking around in
my head, the one that I know I should get down to writing is “Getting Past NO”. But why write a book on getting past NO? I can bet that you can remembers
all the people that told you NO today and that you are still seething with
anger, rejection, dejection and despair from the NO that you were told last
week, last month or last year. NO, it turns out is a very powerful word. It stops
you in your tracks and brings you face to face with reality. If NO can stop you
from doing what you are doing, then all the more reason it is important to get
past NO and move on with life. If you do not get past NO you might as well be
dead in your tracks. Unless you turn NO into a signpost it becomes your gravestone.
Here lies a man who never moved on. I do not mean to be insensitive to the
feelings of those who have had to face huge, real or imagined terrible NO experiences
in life, but I do want you to consider the following five points before you
give up on life.
1. NO
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU
The NO you face is not a personal
attribute or quality of your person. It is an English word that means just that
NO. It is you who attributes and attaches your feelings of personal rejection
to the NO you are facing. I know because I have been through that painful journey
any number of times. The feeling is really bad, sad and overwhelming, but the
NO does not define you in any way. A beautiful woman who feels spurned by the
man she thought would marry her is STILL a beautiful woman AFTER the NO. The high
school graduate who was denied access to the Engineering school is still a high
school graduate! A person whose business has failed is STILL a person after the
event! What I am trying to say is that NO will affect you as much as you allow
the event to affect you in the way that you allow it to affect you, but that is
a choice you make. I am not saying you are a stone and have no feelings. I did
not say you should not cry for a while. What I am saying is that NO is merely a
point of information to which you are entitled to respond. The first
step of getting past NO is to realize that NO is a point of information. How
you respond to it is a choice you make. You can allow that information to crush
you or to help create you.
2. IS
IT AN ETHICAL OR TECHNICAL NO?
Once you get passed yourself in
dealing with the NO, you can consider whether that NO is an ethical NO or a technical
NO. An ethical no is one that carries moral issues of conscious that you must
decide between you and God. Your culture, religion, customs, laws of the land,
traditions come in here too. In these matters I urge you to tread with caution because
an ethical NO has substantive consequences as a matter of principle. So even if
you don’t agree with the law that says 'NO person under 18 is allowed to drive a
public service vehicle', there are substantive reasons for it and substantive
consequences for going against it. In
most cases an ethical NO is something that is best for you and protects others.
You can abide by it and move on with life without much harm to your person.
A technical NO on the other hand
is a NO that sounds like, “NO, you did not make the grade for college” or “NO,
you can’t have that because you can’t afford it”. Examining this NO will tell
you that the person saying the NO, like them or not, does not have authority to
say otherwise. If you were in the same position, you would say the same
thing. But it also tells you that you have the power to get passed this NO if
you meet certain conditions. For example, you may have to retake the college
entrance exam or you may have to work for two years to save enough money to
come back and buy what you want. Understanding that a technical NO does not take
away your power to get past the NO helps you to address the situation with the
sobriety it deserves. This seems like a good point to stop reading this book, but many people fail to take full advantage of the NO because they do not
follow through with the following three empowering points to help them get past
the NO victoriously.
3. VALIDATE
THE NO
Is the NO justifiable,
reasonable, did I contribute to it, what part did I play in it? What am I
responsible for, what are they responsible for, would I say the same to someone
else in my situation? Validating the NO helps you deal with your feelings even
if you don’t agree with the validation itself. Resolving the issues around the
NO will help you see that there are other important perspectives to the issue that
you must consider before you take action. It helps you appreciate that there is
possible reason, cause or justification for the NO that can empower you to get
passed the NO with the substantive personal growth and learning rather than
harbour the miserable joy of your hurt feelings.
4. DEAL
WITH YOUR FEELINGS
Dealing with your feelings is a
matter quite apart from the NO and is a matter that is individual, personal and
perhaps private to the extent that you will allow it to be so. Usually, you may
find a close friend to help you process your feelings in this regard. A good
friend will not always agree with you, but they will help you to get past the
feelings you have attached to the NO.
Feelings are very powerful and they
formulate motives and conspire irrational action and so they need to be checked
before one does something foolish. In this regard, the NO receiver is advised
to provide for substantive time between stimulus and response to the NO to
provide for recovery from feelings of anger, spite, envy, hatred and jealousy. Actions
taken out of these kinds of feelings cause myopic responses like an eye an eye,
hitting back and seeking revenge. Dealing with your feelings frees from
bitterness, allows you to forgive, move on, turn a new page and more
importantly opens your heart and your thinking to global possibility. If you don’t
move on from your feelings, your actions will focus on righting the wrongs that
have been done to you. In this prejudiced, tearful, blinkered state you will
make ridiculous decisions you may later regret. However, if you determine to
get past your feelings and brave yourself to look at possibilities instead of
personalities, you will get past the NO to take what I call super-ordinate
action!
5. TAKE
SUPERORDINATE ACTION
Superordinate action takes into
account the bigger picture rather than focusing on the NO. In taking
superordinate action the NO becomes a sign post and not the reason for the action. The NO becomes a prompt and a point of reflection of your total circumstances
and not the locus of your existence. Superordinate action for the high school graduate
denied College entrance may mean investigating other career options available in
the environment such as boating, taking a year off to pursue a hobby, taking a
holiday or rethinking his life goals. The NO becomes an incident of evaluation that
prompts enlightened action and not an inhibiting condition. The man who was
told NO by a publisher discovers that self-publishing is an option. The lady
spurned by her would be fiance discovers that her gift of charm helps the people
around her see value in themselves and resolves to use her gifts in the service
of others instead of pinning away in a cause of love that cannot be. When you
get past NO, you discover a world of opportunity that was hidden from your
blinkered view.
Getting past NO helps you invest in your future and not
stagnate in your past. Getting past NO will bring out the best reserves you may
never know you had. Getting past NO releases, the stops and becomes a step
towards success. Getting past NO will allow you to look back and thank your
enemies and the proponents of the NO for redirecting your steps to a greater
personal vision and victory. So now that I have got past my NO and written the
book, I have no doubt that you too can – Get past your NO!
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